Thursday, June 2, 2011
Moving in phases
So I am 100% moved out of Northridge. I am technically speaking, homeless at the moment. I'm sleeping on Holly and Kyle's sofa sleeper for the next two weeks until we get the keys to our new place in San Marcos. I'm so happy to be out of the Valley...I am just not a good fit for that area, I never felt at home there. I know it's definitely not where I am meant to be long-term and I'm so happy to have moved on! I'm excited to see what this new adventure will hold for me, Pat, Holly and Kyle. Things will be so drastically different, and there are endless possibilities ahead of us. I'm anxious to start being a student full-time again and focus on improving myself. I hope I meet souls better attuned to the spiritual/imaginative/loving/free-spirited leanings of my own soul...I hope I find family here.
Jesus Does the Dishes
We're kids building models of a world that we might wanna live in.
And sorting feelings in our stomach--is this liberation or starvation?
But have we made it anywhere at all if the dishes are never done?
If we can't live without dishwashers, how could we live without cops?
And so you're asking me, who does the dishes after the revolution?
Well, we do our own dishes now, we'll do our own dishes then.
And it's always the ones who don't who ask that fucking question.
Well I don't believe in God, but I'm also not an Atheist.
Because the universe is chaos, but chaos picks favorites.
And lately I've been thinking about how I love Jesus
And sorting feelings in our stomach--is this liberation or starvation?
But have we made it anywhere at all if the dishes are never done?
If we can't live without dishwashers, how could we live without cops?
And so you're asking me, who does the dishes after the revolution?
Well, we do our own dishes now, we'll do our own dishes then.
And it's always the ones who don't who ask that fucking question.
Well I don't believe in God, but I'm also not an Atheist.
Because the universe is chaos, but chaos picks favorites.
And lately I've been thinking about how I love Jesus
because Jesus was a dirty homeless hippie peace activist.
And he said, "Drop out and find God" to anybody who would listen.
While turning water into space bags with lowlifes and anarchists.
And he said, "Drop out and find God" to anybody who would listen.
While turning water into space bags with lowlifes and anarchists.
Monday, May 16, 2011
It's the final countdown!
I turned in my two-week notice at work. I'm in my last couple of weeks at school. 80% of my belongings are boxed up, labeled and stacked neatly together in the living room. The dead weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, there's a brilliant light at the end of the tunnel, and I am almost ready to move!!
San Luis Obispo (while still my first choice) is going to have to wait. Things just came at me way too fast to make a move there work in time, so plans have been adjusted. Pat and I already have a townhouse in San Marcos, and we'll be living with Holly and Kyle. I never even thought of moving to San Diego County but...why not? The weather is near perfect, there are plenty of universities, it's not far from my family (namely Grandpa and Alayna), and best of all, IT'S NOT THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY! Wahooo!!!
I'm so excited. I've been going through a bit of a quarter-life crises for the past year and I've definitely been feeling trapped by the decisions and paths I've chosen to take in my life. But now, this move is allowing me the freedom and the opportunity to do exactly what I've been wishing for: quit my job, go back to school, focus on myself, explore a new city, meet new friends, start over, revamp my life. I know I just did this two and a half years ago, but that's a long time and I am a far cry from the 21 year old that moved to Northridge with Liz.
Moving to a new city is a beautiful opportunity to reinvent yourself. Not change who you are or fake being someone else, but to re-imagine yourself. These new people know nothing of your past. They don't know your family or your ex-boyfriends or your enemies. They've never heard those rumors everyone else knows about. That new job, the new campus, the new circle of friends and acquaintances, they only know what you show them. You get a completely bare canvas and you can paint it as drastically as your heart desires. I'm so ready for this next chapter in my life. I'm so ready to leave Northridge and my life here behind me. Not to forget, never to forget. The past two years I've spent here will always be with me, but they are over and I've done all of the growing I can here. I can't wait to see what San Marcos and this next chapter of my life, my career, my education, my relationship with Pat and my friendships with Holly and Kyle hold.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Kick in the ass
Alright, so I just finished talking to my room mate Liz and looks like she's moving out in a month. She's taking a trip to Europe and won't have a job when she gets back so she'll be living with her parents again. I've been planning on moving for a little while now but just wasn't prepared to do it so soon. Looks like this is my kick in the ass to get a move on it. At the end of this week we will pay rent for the month of May and she isn't sure if she can pay for June...so I need to have new living arrangements worked out by June 1. I'm a little thrown off kilter but it's okay. I've been wanting, needing to move for about a year now and now it's going to happen. It's like I've been perched at the edge of a cliff wanting so badly to jump but thinking about it too much and not doing it until Liz finally just pushed me off and made me fly. So here goes. One more month in this chapter of my life, and then it's onto something new completely. I'm excited!
This is where Pat and I really want to move. San Luis Obispo is about halfway between San Francisco and Los Angeles, which is perfect for me. It's only a few hours from my family and it's near both the coast and the mountains. It's home to Cal Poly SLO which is one of the most esteemed universities in CA. By all appearances, it is my ideal new home. Pat and I have a four day weekend planned in the middle of May to look for apartments, and Pat's job is already in talks with him for a transfer which is a big relief.
This is where Pat and I really want to move. San Luis Obispo is about halfway between San Francisco and Los Angeles, which is perfect for me. It's only a few hours from my family and it's near both the coast and the mountains. It's home to Cal Poly SLO which is one of the most esteemed universities in CA. By all appearances, it is my ideal new home. Pat and I have a four day weekend planned in the middle of May to look for apartments, and Pat's job is already in talks with him for a transfer which is a big relief.
New priorities and getting old.
I know 24 is still considered to be quite young, but lately when I look at my life I feel like it's flying past me and I'm not really doing what I want to do with my time. I'm starting to want things I thought I'd never want and realizing what's important. Sooo cliche, I know but it's honest.
I still need to finish school. Most people my age are graduates already, and I'm sitting on 2 Associate of Arts degrees and a job at the mall. I need to finish my bachelor's degree and I stress out when I think about how old I'll be when I finally finish those last years. Although I wish I could already have that piece of paper in hand, I know that waiting and going to FIDM was the right choice for me at the time. I got to indulge my inner artist, have a little mini visual career that I would never trade, and it gave me time to figure out what I love before naming it as a major. If I had gone to college straight out of high school I can almost guarantee that whatever major I selected would no longer hold the same appeal. I would've picked graphic design or english or sociology or art history or something that wouldn't secure a job anywhere. So I'm glad to be making this choice later in life, because I know I'm making the right one this time. Then there's the money... I'll need to take out a loan and I'll need lose my full-time job in exchange for a shitty paying part-time job somewhere. Both ideas cause instant anxiety, but finishing my degree is priority number one right now. And I have to admit, I'm pretty excited about not working full-time for a little while. I miss being a student and only working 20 hours a week. It will be a nice change of pace :)
The 21 year old version of myself was adamantly against marriage and children. I swore that I would never be a wife or a mother. I think I was still so pissed off about how parent's marriage went and the problems I saw my friends experience within their own families both just compounded and scared me away from the idea of starting my own little family to screw up one day. I wanted to be independent, to travel, to do whatever I wanted and answer to nobody. But I don't feel like that anymore. The idea of not having my own family just feels lonely now, and the thought of living and dying without a family is too sad to bear. Pat has a lot to do with me singing a different tune. With the other guys I've dated I always knew that they were not forever kind of relationships. I knew there was something basic and fundamental about our personalities that just wouldn't be able to tolerate each other long term. But with Pat, I feel such an intense and deep connection that I know we'll always be together. I am more in love every single day and our bond is untouchable. He spends the holidays with my family and it's like he was always meant to be there. We talk about engagements and weddings and babies and where we'd like to raise our family and it feels so incredibly natural. It doesn't scare me to think about this future with Pat, it makes me excited and giddy and impatient to have it all already. I can't imagine having this sort of family dream with anyone else...I never wanted it at all, until I fell in love with him. Now I look at my re-aligned vision of what I'd like to accomplish in my life and things seem so different.
24 seemed so young if all I was going to do was travel and party and work and just be whatever I want to be.
But 24 seems like it's creeping a little to close for comfort to the "old" side of life when I realize how far off I am from finishing school, establishing myself in a new career and starting a family. I don't want to be 30 when I finish my degree, or 40 when I get married. Where is my time disappearing to?
I still need to finish school. Most people my age are graduates already, and I'm sitting on 2 Associate of Arts degrees and a job at the mall. I need to finish my bachelor's degree and I stress out when I think about how old I'll be when I finally finish those last years. Although I wish I could already have that piece of paper in hand, I know that waiting and going to FIDM was the right choice for me at the time. I got to indulge my inner artist, have a little mini visual career that I would never trade, and it gave me time to figure out what I love before naming it as a major. If I had gone to college straight out of high school I can almost guarantee that whatever major I selected would no longer hold the same appeal. I would've picked graphic design or english or sociology or art history or something that wouldn't secure a job anywhere. So I'm glad to be making this choice later in life, because I know I'm making the right one this time. Then there's the money... I'll need to take out a loan and I'll need lose my full-time job in exchange for a shitty paying part-time job somewhere. Both ideas cause instant anxiety, but finishing my degree is priority number one right now. And I have to admit, I'm pretty excited about not working full-time for a little while. I miss being a student and only working 20 hours a week. It will be a nice change of pace :)
The 21 year old version of myself was adamantly against marriage and children. I swore that I would never be a wife or a mother. I think I was still so pissed off about how parent's marriage went and the problems I saw my friends experience within their own families both just compounded and scared me away from the idea of starting my own little family to screw up one day. I wanted to be independent, to travel, to do whatever I wanted and answer to nobody. But I don't feel like that anymore. The idea of not having my own family just feels lonely now, and the thought of living and dying without a family is too sad to bear. Pat has a lot to do with me singing a different tune. With the other guys I've dated I always knew that they were not forever kind of relationships. I knew there was something basic and fundamental about our personalities that just wouldn't be able to tolerate each other long term. But with Pat, I feel such an intense and deep connection that I know we'll always be together. I am more in love every single day and our bond is untouchable. He spends the holidays with my family and it's like he was always meant to be there. We talk about engagements and weddings and babies and where we'd like to raise our family and it feels so incredibly natural. It doesn't scare me to think about this future with Pat, it makes me excited and giddy and impatient to have it all already. I can't imagine having this sort of family dream with anyone else...I never wanted it at all, until I fell in love with him. Now I look at my re-aligned vision of what I'd like to accomplish in my life and things seem so different.
24 seemed so young if all I was going to do was travel and party and work and just be whatever I want to be.
But 24 seems like it's creeping a little to close for comfort to the "old" side of life when I realize how far off I am from finishing school, establishing myself in a new career and starting a family. I don't want to be 30 when I finish my degree, or 40 when I get married. Where is my time disappearing to?
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Man oh man, you're my best friend
This is our song. It makes me happy beyond measure; it makes me sing out loud, dance across the room and it reminds me how special being in love is. It has to be the most perfect feeling imaginable. I want to leave my job and my home, give up every notion of what I'm "supposed" to want or aspire to in life and just love, and be loved. I was meant to be a part of this.
The first one is always the hardest
I've spent a while contemplating this blog. For a little bit I tried to narrow down a specific topic I could focus on, a unique niche, but researching the big world of internet blogs always ended up with one sobering realization: there's a blog about EVERYTHING; nobody is unique or different here. So I gave up my ideas about fashion blogs, animal rights blogs, literary blogs, art blogs, design inspiration blogs, health blogs, so on and so forth...and ended up deciding that instead of focusing on one of my random interests and trying to constantly make it exciting I would just let my blog do what my mind does all day every day and just....wander.
This blog will not be a daily source of news updates, cutting-edge information about a given topic or product endorsements. This blog will be my journal to remember the beauty that surrounds my world every day and an attempt to slow down and recognize it clearly and more often. My hope is to bring beautiful photos, stories, people, art, music and ideas together so that they can be enjoyed by anyone, anyone at all who can appreciate the magic of the life we wake up to each morning.
So here's to the beginning of something special. Cheers.
"To be creative means to be in love with life. You can be creative
only if you love life enough that you want to enhance its beauty, you want to bring a little more music to it, a little more poetry to it, a little more dance to it."
Osho
only if you love life enough that you want to enhance its beauty, you want to bring a little more music to it, a little more poetry to it, a little more dance to it."
Osho
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